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Book 6 by Drunken Man

  第六回六十载都小官出世两三年浪荡子收成捣练子垂半幕,倚高楼,衫两蒲风野艇秋。手把花枝长,拥面人见也风流。

这回书,说小官原分贵贱两等。那卖的难道像金珠宝贝,论换数不成,不是这个贵,只羡他相处朋友,还能拣精择肥,不甚十分轻易。那贱的不是什么贱,只是贪口里嗒嗒,腰里撒撒,不管是人是鬼,好歹就肯来来。把这件东西,太狼籍了。这个分贵贱,都是数十年前的说话。年来出这些小官,一发个个倚着这件不消出本钱,不消费气力,落得赚人的钱钞,所以便没了样范。那些真正的小官,都被这些无耻捐名的污了名头,你道这件事几时挽得回转?

如今且不说别样,就说到一个小官身上去。这个小官,就将起来,开天辟地就有他的,一发大得紧。在这里说话的,你又来胡说了,世间最大的莫过于出一个都小官。说起这都小官的出处,又是一个好故事。都小官是寿里老子三十六代的玄孙,父亲叫做洞玄君,当是洞玄夫人一个暑天,开了南昌轩乘凉,却被南风吹得爽利,打了一个盹,竟睡了去。正睡得香,梦见滚圆一声莹白的东西滚到肚里,忽然惊醒,就说与洞玄君知道。洞玄君一时间再也解说不来。洞玄夫人自得了这个梦,遂有了孕,整整怀了六十个年头,方才生下。你道生下来什么东西?原来是块肉球。洞玄君看了大怒,便想得向年之梦,应在今日,就去取了把刀,要把这肉球剁得粉碎。正待动手,只听那肉球里说起话来,口口声声叫道:”我是世上的都小官。“洞玄夫人道:”是个怪物,消说了,且不要伤他性命,割将开来,看里面怎么一个形状。“洞玄君便向中间划了一刀,扑的迸开,果然是个小巧巧一个披发小官。只是那副长相,忒是丑陋:一头胎发,两脸寒毛。狮子鼻掀得利害,又袋口开得蹊跷。活突突眼睛乱动,颤抖抖朵颇阔。虽则是不能勾浮世上留千载,少不得也要向风月场中走一遭。

洞玄君见是个人,顿发起慈悲念头,不忍伤害,把他养大。到了十来岁,叫做水浸鹅孵石,不长不落,端然是这个模样。再过几年,看看有些腹中发痒,钻筋透骨,实熬不过,便叫人把屌放将进去,乱抽一通,方才略好了些。后来洞玄君知道了,想得不是件好事,把他锁在黑洞洞一间房里。早间锁得进去,晚间开门一看,只见一股白气钻将出来,竟往半空中四散了去。洞玄君便进房中去,四下搜寻,那里见有个都小官,才晓得是那股白气化的。只得叹了口气。是那股白气,半空中四散得不好了,后来一日一日各处出了小官人,上头也就一日一日把小官作兴了。各处出了小官,各处就出了好小官的主儿。如今就有人行也想小官,坐也想小官,梦里也想小官,醒来也想小官。

说的是庐陵地方,有个员外,姓钱名坤。这个员外不是吏户礼兵刑大部中的员外,只为有了两分钱钞,人上过誉他的美名。这钱员外,手头现银子何止一二十万,平素间广放私债,城里城外人家,都是拿着他的本钱去转活的。你说这样一个钱神,正好快活了,偏生又能个胎里病,眼睛里再见不得一个小官。若见了个小官,决要钻颈觅缝弄到手来。纵然不致相处长久,印儿也要搭一个。又有一说,日常家用,一丝一毫鸡蛋里挑出骨头,偏又肯在小官身上,情愿一百二百。

一日,带了几个家僮,正在南庄收帐回来。行到半路,劈路撞着两个小官。一个掳头,一个披发。这钱员外的眼睛,原是个磨小官的试金石,把两个仔细一看,那掳头的,更比披发的生得清秀,看来年纪也小几岁,只是打扮不同。披发的像本地货,掳头的竟有此升仙气。所以说,若将两物比,必有一物堪。钱员外一心中意了那掳头的,连忙叫那贴身家僮钱旺上来,问道:”适才那两个小厮,你可认得是那一家的?“钱旺道:”那掳头的不认得,只这披发的,是鼓楼街上马双溪的儿子。“钱员外道:”那个马双溪?“钱旺道:”也是借着员外本钱的。“钱员外道:”他也拿着我的本钱,这个不艰,我先回去,你可就去寻那马双溪来见我。“钱旺应了一声,便向转弯一条小街里走去。

钱员外才到得家,恰钱旺同马双溪也就到了。钱员外打点一通,问道:”马双溪,你是今年几月间拿我本钱去的?“马双溪道:”老汉是今年三月间来借起的。“钱员外道:”可曾还我多少过?“马双溪道:”只因生意不凑手,且在目下连本带利都送来还员外。“钱员外道:”且再迟还罢,我问你,你都有了年纪,做生意也不便。可生得几个儿子?“马双溪道:”员外若问老汉的儿子,不要说起,单单生得一个,今年才有二十四岁。“钱员外道:”既有这样一个儿子,你就有指望了,何不去着他来让我看看。“马双溪道:”员外要叫他来,早一会儿便好。适才送个朋友回福建去,晚些才回得来哩。“钱员外道:”恰才我正从庄上来,在路上撞着两个小厮,一个掳头,一个披发,人道就是马双溪的儿子,可是那一个?“马双溪道:”员外,那个披发的,正是校难道见了员外来,也不叫一声?“钱员外笑道:”小厮家那里认得我,不可认较他。我问你,那个掳头的,敢就是要到福建去的么?“马双溪回答道:”正是,正是。“钱员外叹口气道:”可惜这样个小官,住在那天涯海角,也罢,你且回去,若是儿子回来,明早千万着他见我。“马双溪应了声就走回家,直等到晚,儿子才得回来。就把钱员外要他去见的话说了。原来他儿子叫做马小里,也是靠这道做生意的。一向闻得钱员外是个拐小官的,又肯撒漫使钱,时常想慕他。只是门槛高大了,一时间走不进去。而今听得老子说钱员外唤他,老大欢喜。第二日早起,齐齐整整打扮起来。大凡小官到是老实些好,全不在那打扮上用工夫,比如有了七八分姿色,再加上二三分妆扮,这个自然好看,没有一二分姿色,到妆扮了十来分,如何帮说得来?还有一说,就是大老官的眼睛,也有各样。有那见姿色好中意的,也有见妆扮好中意的。论起眼前的光景来,到是妆扮还动得人。说话的,你又欠文理的,总不然,标致的小官到没有朋友相处?有个解说,比像这时,有两个小官在这里,一个面孔生得标致,身上褴褛些;一个身上齐整,面孔欠标致些。那好南风的,决然先与这齐整的说得来。这总是如今这世道上都行这些,也不要怪他。

且说马小里打扮了,正要出门,恰好又有个人来寻。这个人不是别个,就是钱员外家的钱旺。马小里认得是钱旺哥,连忙拱手厮叫一声,遂同来见员外。马小里此来,那里晓得钱员外所在那一个身上。钱员外见了,把个笑堆将下来,恭恭敬敬逊他坐了,问道:”昨日到那里去走走?“马小里道:”因敝友向福建去,送他几步。“凶员外道:”我昨日正在庄上回来,也是偶然撞着。敢就是那位未冠的么?“马小里点头道:”正是他了。“钱员外道:”生得有些意思,还在福建那一府住?“马小里道:”在建宁府建宁县里祝“钱员外道:”建宁府建宁县,此去也不上四五日路,我有个敝友,如今在那里做官,日下正要去打抽丰。还请问一声,那位朋友姓甚名谁?“马小里见他渐渐说得远了,便胡诌一个谎道:”他姓何,表字处秦,就在县前开纸打铺。“钱员外只道是个真名字,牢牢记在肚里,一霎儿就想到那建宁县的纸铺里。马小里见他没话说了,一个不快活,别了起身。钱员外当下便吩咐收拾行李,叫下船只,遂起身到建宁县去。

原来这庐陵到建宁,有条私路,去得极便,不上四个齐头日子就到了。你道世间有这样个害疯的人,用了这番盘缠,果然打个抽风,到也罢了,却又不为打抽风,特地为访小官来到县中。那些歇家,听说庐陵钱员外,个个扮着夺着要接回去。钱员外只拣房屋精致的,便歇下了。那歇家叫做章晓初,真是在行,见钱员外说出访小官那话,便打点午饭吃了,就同到县前挨家问去。纸打铺子便有几家,偏生没个姓何的。一连问了两日,只是没有些声响。章晓初道:”员外,你既晓得他的姓,就该晓得他的名字了。“钱员外道:”他姓何,表字处秦。“章晓初道:”员外,这个名字还是那个小官亲口对你说的,还是别人对你说的?“钱员外道:”别人说的。“章晓初大笑一声道:”员外,你却被那个王八捉弄了。“钱员外道:”怎见得捉弄我?“章晓初道:”你想一想看,何处秦这三个可是有影响的么?“钱员外低头一想,叹口气道:”罢了,果然被他捉弄了。“只得纳了这口气,教章晓初领了,往大街乱踱。只指望这一踱,一个天然奇遇,劈面撞着的意思。怎知踱了一回,没些兴致,仍就两个踱转回来。章晓初道:”我看员外到这里两日,心心念念,想着小官。敢是员外好在男色上做工夫么?“钱员外道:”我向两京十三里走转,经过多少歇家,怎有你这样个着趣的?问这一声便合着关核。“章晓初道:”员外既好小官,何不直对我说。凭着那里,比不得我建宁府建宁县出得多哩。“钱员外道:”我早开门,见门首有个掳头的小厮,一发生得标致,敢是你这里的主顾么?“章晓初道:”员外,你不晓得我这里出来摆尾的小厮,都倚追掳头为名。“钱员外道:”怎么叫摆尾?“章晓初道:”这是我这里拐小官的乡语,就如徽州叫煜豆腐,江西叫铸火盆,北路上叫糙茱茱一般。“钱员外道:”原来你贵处的掳头小厮,都是做这道生意的,主人家你何不去寻一个来与我?“章晓初满口应承,连忙去寻了一个来。

这个小官,叫做秋一色,是小官头行中数一数二的,年纪不过十五六岁,那副面孔,生得白松松,又娇又嫩,就是再出世的龙阳,也不过如是。钱员外见了,吃个大惊。看官们,这正是惹人议论的所在,钱员外既见了这个标致小厮,为何不老大欢喜,到吃起惊来?有一说,这个惊是应得吃的,不道这秋一色,就是那日庄上回来撞见,与马小里同走的这个小官。钱员外四五百里路来,正为在他身上,岂料不意中得到相见,正所谓踏破铁鞋无觅处,得来全不费工夫,难道这不是个天然奇遇?钱员外便对章晓初道:”他正叫做何处秦。“章晓初笑道:”总不然,到是我捉弄了你,他的名字,真正是秋一色,不要错认了。“钱员外道:”你问他,数日前曾在庐陵鼓楼街上马小里家么?“那秋一色听问这句,连忙应答道:”我正在他那里回来得两三日。“钱员外道:”你还叫做秋一色,还叫做何处秦?“秋一色道:”秋一色便是我的名字。“章晓初道:”员外,如今也不消把那秋一色、何处秦分辩了,既喜欢他,就留在这里歇了罢。“钱员外道:”你与我去安排些晚饭来。“章晓初当下就去吩咐打点些东西,两个吃得醉醺醺,也不管个天尚未晚,脱得精光,搂了就睡。

钱员外先把手向他身上摸了一摸,真个光溜溜,绵团样软得可爱。那秋一色就把身子侧将转来,款款帮衬进去。钱员外却是放劣马一般,一个屁股,从里面齐根直溜。这叫做棋逢敌手,秋一色也抖擞精神,卖出本事。两家弄个不了:这一个高耸耸,突起尊具;那一个急溜溜,乱抽厥物。这一个却像衔着瞎老喂,那一个分明戴了紧箍儿。这一个巴不得一锐紧关皮场,那一个恨不得一乔直入水晶宫。

约莫弄了两个时辰,间壁房里那些孤客,听了都熬不过,个个翻来覆去,那里睡得安稳?钱员外弄得忒爽利了,猛可的一个寒噤,泄了。正要打点拿了出来,秋一色把个屁眼牢牢夹住,停得一会,两个又发作了。这一回到比头一次又有工夫,刚刚弄得完毕,东方发白起来。梳洗停当,秋一色便要出门,钱员外那里割舍得放他,叫他随到庐陵过生活。秋一色正叫做一跤跌在蜜缸里,巴不得能够,听说这句话,满口应承。钱员外就替他从上至下换得簇新,仔细一看,竟不是满街乱走的行径。

那些同伙伴的小厮听说秋一色是庐陵一个钱员外收拾在身边,大家都不服气,只要伺候着了,把他罗唣一常正打点得这个算计,秋一色劈头走将来,这些小厮他身上换得齐整,一发气不过,叫声打,簇拥上前,一齐动手,把秋一色拖翻在地,那拳头就如雨点乱下。秋一色只要了性命,那里惜得那两件衣裳,不管泥里水里,乱滚将去。那些小厮还是掳拳乱劈,不肯干休。口口声声嚷道:”难道生意是你一个人霸定的。“正嚷得不住口,恰好一个救星到了。这个救星,你道是谁,原来就是钱员外。他不然还不得知,也是章晓初家里人去讲了,因此连忙走来。秋一色见来了个钱员外,有了救兵,越撒娇起来。钱员外正要说几句,那些小厮,一个个都溜了去。钱员外见没了对头,况又天色将晚,只得劝他同回。晓得他在此安身不牢,便不停留,次日整顿行装,乘了便船,一同转到庐陵。

过几日,两个往鼓楼街走过,却又撞着马小里。钱员外别转头竟走,那马小里看见了正拱得手,认得后面的这个是秋一色,心上一惊,遂说道:”员外,你前日羡慕的正是这个秋兄。“钱员外冷笑道:”那个还是何处秦。“马小里道:”员外,怎么就把这个名字认真了,前日都是要招接自家的主顾,因此随口说将出来。“钱员外道:”小厮家也不可调嘴,又是我访得着他,若依了你说,可不竟没处寻了。“马小里把手乱拱道:”这样说多多得罪,下次决不敢戏。“大家笑了一声,各自散去。从此之后,秋一色只当行了这步运,不上年把,身边到积攒得头二百两。钱员外见他长大了,在家里出入不便,替他上了头,打发去管了钱庄。岂不是一件绝美的事,怎知他快活过了的人,拼得用的是大老官的银子,落得包私窠子,拐人家的妇女,无所不为。两三年里,做出许多伤风败俗的事情。弄出来,就连累着钱员外。这遭钱员外变了脸,把他叱辱一场,遂要打发他回到建宁去。秋一色思量,回去不打紧,前番吃了那些小厮的亏,还有什么嘴脸?只得央求众人,向钱员外面前讨个方便。钱员外也叫做好说话的,撇不过众人情面,便肯应允,仍旧收留他便了。只是比不得前番在庄上清闲快活,却教他在家里劈柴烧火。说起可怜,不上几时,把一个标标致致的后生,弄得手粗脚笨,这也不要怪钱员外,总是他自己在前次不好,而今就折磨些,也怨得别人了。诗曰:百折千磨理所鼓,钱家员外不为亏。

假饶赤手归乡土,宁使羁身伴草菜。



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